Jealous
by AlaphaNavara
Summary: Just a simple song can make a person realize something so important about their life. Murphy's P.O.V - ANGST - RATED M for language - One sided love. Enjoy
1. Song

_**Jealous**_

 _I do not own anything besides the story idea and the character Devin Keelin._

 _I do not own the MacManus twin characters._

 _Thank you,_

 _Alpha Navara~_

* * *

I had found my friend's ipod tucked in my backpack. Blinking with confusion, I dug deeper into my backpack and found a note. Lifting it from the bag, I read it to myself.

' **Dear Murph,**

 **I am giving you my ipod since I won't be needing it. The only thing I ask of you is to listen to** _ **Jealous**_ **by:** _ **Labrinth**_.

 **Thanks,**

 **Devin K. : )'**

Snorting at the smilley face, I grabbed the headphones that dangled from my fingers. Smiling lightly at the name of the song, I connected it to the ipod before grabbing the earbud and shoving the left side in. Turning the device on, I searched through the songs until that one that he wanted me to listen too. Pressing my finger gently onto the screen, it opened it and began to play.

 _I'm jealous of the rain_

 _That falls upon your skin_

 _It's closer than my hands have been_

My eyes widen from the lyrics. Shifting myself to sit down on the bed, I narrowed my eyes and continued to listen. Giving thanks to whatever angel is watching that my brother isn't here.

 _I'm jealous of the rain_

 _I'm jealous of the wind_

 _That ripple through your clothes_

 _It's closer than your shadow_

As the song progressed forward, I felt my hands began to shake from pent up emotions. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply and held it for a moment before letting it out. I continued to listen the the lyrics. My mind played tricks on me and brought up my brother. The times I wished I were the rain so I can trickle down his body and wished I was the wind so I can breeze over him and bring him delight.

My leg begins to bounce.

 _Oh, I'm jealous of the wind, cause_

 _I wished you the best of_

 _All this world could give_

Breathing in through my mouth and exhaling through my nose. I started to feel my emotions peeked at the deep meaning lyrics. Fucking Devin and his fucking brain for putting to and to together. Sighing, I turned my head to the side and opened my eyes. I stared out the window with many thoughts running amuck. I kept listening.

 _And I told you when you left me_

 _There's nothing to forgive_

Blinking back the tears that threaten to fall. I sniffed as my leg settles itself down before I stood up and took two steps to stare out of the window. Looking up at the sky, I closed my eyes once more and absorbed the lyrics through my ears. I could feel it stirring emotions deep within me, bringing them forefornt. Letting my head fall so my chin rested against my chest, I leaned forward to let my forehead fall against the window.

 _But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was_

 _Heartbreak and misery_

 _It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_

I could feel a stabbing pain enter my chest, directly to my heart. Lightly groaning, I rolled my head to the side but kept my eyes closed. I remembered the promise we made to each other. It felt so long ago when they made it. We were to never lie to each other, ever. But what happens when you have a secret that could break the bond the two of you share? do you continue on with lying rather then saying it? I had always thought so. My mind supplied the fact that my twin had decided to walk with a girl home rather then with him. Maybe its because they don't love you as much as they say or show they do.

Tightening my eyelid, I felt tears pricking underneath my eyelashes as the thought never wavered. It was the truth.

 _You're happy without me_

Those four words had did me in. The tears that I had fought so hard to control, came pouring down my cheeks. It was like the rain I wish i was. It cascaded down my cheeks and dropped onto the windowceil with ease. Staining the wood a darker color then its origenal color. I forced my sobs to stay lodged in my throat as I continued to listen to the lyrics.

 _I'm jealous of the nights_

 _That I don't spend with you_

 _I'm wondering who you lay next to_

A sad smirk lined my lips as I remember you staying the weekend over at a girls place. I had been devistated and thought you didn't want anything to do with me. And to top that off, I remember you staying away from the house for that whole week following, never calling or anything. I felt angry and betrayed through those hard dark days. It had been just myself in the house. I had thought of moving out and away from you since its not hard for you to be away from me. Then I thought of all the girls you probably fucked through that week and another stab of searing hot pain exploded within my chest. A sob fell from my lips as the tears flowed faster as I conviced myself that you were not returning home.

 _Oh, I'm jealous of the nights_

 _I'm jealous of the love_

 _Love that wasn't here_

 _Gone for someone else to share_

 _Oh, I'm jealous of the love, cause_

I removed myself from the window and toward the bed. My head sunk further down my chest as I laid on my bed and curled around myself. The tears never seemed to stop neither is the pain that follows it. The sobs that continue to flow from my mouth is quieted by the earbud I placed in. Moving my hand up, I grabbed the right side and pushed into my ear. I felt nothing beside betrayel and despair as I remember your face while you talk of the girls you've been with and the positions you had them in. The gleam in your eyes were never directed at me but at the memory of them. I am truely jealous of those girls that have you at night because I don't have you here with me.

Turning my head into the pillow, I clutched the blanket tightly in my hands as I cried into the pillow with no shame.

 _I wished you the best of_

 _All this world could give_

Shifting myself to lay on my stomach, I opened my watery eyes to stare back out the window and into the darkening sky. I wanted you to come home but that would never happen. A bitter smile pulled at my lips as I closed my eyes once more.

 _And I told you when you left me_

 _There's nothing to forgive_

I reached toward the nightstand that my notebook sat on. Grabbing it with the pen near by, I pulled it to the bed and leaned on my arm as I opened the notebook. Regrabbing the pen, I pressed on the top to have the tip show. I stared at the lines as my tears fell onto them. Sniffing, I frowned and stared at it. I wanted to write everything I felt but I couldn't put it into words. I seem to draw up a blank on my feelings.

But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was

 _Heartbreak and misery_

 _It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_

 _You're happy without me_

Sighing angrily, I shoved the notebook off my bed and threw my pen to the floor before letting myself fall onto the pillow once more. Closing my eyes, I inhaled deeply and exhaled slower. You were probably at some girls house rather then here with me. A dry laughter rang into the quiet room, which I didn't hear. Thankfully, or I would have jumped from the lack of happiness that normally accompanies it.

I continued to cry until I fell asleep. In bed. Alone in the house. Once again.

 _As I sink in the sand_

 _Watch you slip through my hands_

 _Oh, as I die here another day_

 _Cause all I do is cry behind this smile_

I woke up the next morning with a killer headache. Groaning, I pulled an earbud from my ear beofore rolling onto my side to look around the room. Nothing has been desturbed so that means you didn't come home again. Frowning, I sat up completely and rubbed at my sore eyes before swinging my legs over to the side and stood. Grumbling to myself, I padded from my room to the kitchen. Make coffee.

After brewing the coffee, I grabbed my cup and walked over to a table that sat flsuh against the wall with the window. Sitting down, I stared into dimly lit skies with sorrow and pain. Sucking in a breath as I lifted the cup to my lips and sipped. Reaching into my jeans, I pulled out a pack of smokes and lit one with one hand. Inhaling the toxic fumes, I thought that you would be happier if I just died or left.

I had sat at the window most of the morning, drinking cup after cup of coffee. Sighing again, I stood from my spot and padded into the livivng room. Just as I sat down, the phone rang from my left. Turning, a raised eyebrow was all that had moved. After the first couple rings, I answered it. It was Ma. She asked her normal questions; how are you and your brother? are we okay? how's work? blah blah blah... I answered them as smoothly as I can, without telling her that you weren't here. I sounded chippy and joyful but inside I had curled up and now I'm slowly dying. Being suffocated by all the emotions that never seemed to stop.

 _I wished you the best of_

 _All this world could give_

 _And I told you when you left me_

 _There's nothing to forgive_

 _But I always thought you'd come back, tell me all you found was_

 _Heartbreak and misery_

 _It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_

 _You're happy without me_

A while after I had gotten off the phone with Ma, I stood from my chair and stretched. Looking around he room, I moved swift and silent back to my room and grabbed my notepad and pen once more. Determined, I trudged back to the living room and sat down. Looking down, I lifted the pen and set it onto the paper. I begin to write everything I felt.

 _It's hard for me to say, I'm jealous of the way_

 _You're happy without me_

After writing the note, I had set the notepad onto the table and put my cup into the sink while turning off the coffee pot. Moving back into my room, I grabbed my duffle bag and set it onto the bed. Tears pricked at my eyes again. Rubbing them roughly, I walked over my dresser and opened a drawer. Pulling clothes out, I stocked back to my bag and set them into it. Repeating this a couple of times, I zipped up my bag and went for my black pea coat and boots. Grabbing what money I had left, I shoved it into my pocket and reached for my hand gun. Stuffing it in the back of my pants, I pulled on my pea-coat and leaned down to grab my boots. Stepping toward the bed, I sat down and slid a foot in each before lacing them and standing once again. Grabbing my duffle bag, I moved slowly down the hallway and entered the kitchen. Almost walksing straight to the door, I stopped and reached into my right side pocket. Pulling out the house key, I threw it on the notepad and walked ot of the house with my shoulders squared. I was determined to never let him get the best of me again. I will not go crawling back to Connor even if every fiber of my being screamed at me to return back to the house and wait like I was told. Ignoring the nagging feeling in my head, I continued down the path and didn't stop. Little did I know, I had broken the last connection I had with my brother when my feet had left the property. I felt free for the first time. It felt nice to feel the wind as I walked on.

Devin popped into my mind and I smiled. There is no turning back now and that's fine with me. I, Murphy MacManus will start a new life with my best gay friend, Devin Keelin.

* * *

 **If you want me to write Conner's side of the story please leave** **a comment on the story and I just might...**

 **Thank you again,**

 **Alpha Navara~**


	2. Letter To Connor

Here is the note that Murphy had left for Connor. Sorry for not updating for a while and it might be a little less then what I wanted it to be but I wrote it in short timing. I might change it or keep it… Never know…

Anyway,

thanks for staying with the story.

AlphaNavara~

' _Dear Connor,_

 _I had to leave you, I'm sorry but I couldn't live like this anymore. I couldn't stand to see you drink yourself to death. Connor I had something to tell you but you were never home so I couldn't say it… I love you. Not brother to brother love or anything simple but as in lover to lover. I know I'm sick and that was another reason why I had to leave you, I just can't handle it anymore. The heart breaks, headaches, the constant pain and the feeling of betrayal. I'm surprised you haven't felt it through our link but that's probably because of the distance you put between us and the wall too. I had severed whatever is left of it. I'm so sorry Connor, I wish things were different but we are going to have to face facts and come to an understanding. You love to drink too much and I can't stand it. Please don't come looking for me, you won't be able to find me._

 _I love you Connor MacManus. I will continue to pray for you as the days grow long and the nights grow cold._

 _Love,_

 _Murphy MacManus.'_


End file.
